Breastfeeding woes

Lucky for me, it's growth spurt week in our household. Unlucky for me, I have mastitis during it. I mean, really, what are the chances? It seems very unlikely considering I feel like I'm feeding him nonstop day and night. But somehow I ended up with it anyway. It's on the same side as last time too. It's funny, but it was obvious from day one that when it comes to eating, Clark clearly prefers the left side to my right. So the right one is always the engorged one, and the infected one, in some cases. I wonder why he prefers one to the other, I mean, it's not like the milk is better or something(though I'm sure it is when the other one is infected. Talk about gross!).

It's during times like this(growth spurt, mastitis, or even just a bad day), that I start to think about the wonders of formula. Don't worry, I know all about the benefits of breastfeeding, and I understand that it is so much better for him, not to mention cheaper for us, but I like to daydream about not having my child gnawing at me, and screaming at me when I don't have enough milk.

If I had been alone raising this child, I would have given up long ago, I really would have. Breastfeeding is HARD. If anyone says differently, then they have obviously forgotten what it's like your first time. When my son was born, he had a lot of bruising, swelling and cuts all over his head from the very harsh forceps delivery. On top of that, I was induced 2 weeks early because of hypertension, so he wasn't very pleased at being yanked out of his cozy home when he wasn't ready. He would not breastfeed. I tried and tried, and tried. I would attempt to do it while he screamed for 45 minutes every feeding. He'd be crying, I'd be crying, and I wanted to give up. The hospital made me attempt to feed him, then feed him formula, then use the hospital pump for 20 minutes to encourage my milk. It was exhausting.

After 1 week, I told my husband, no more. We are just doing formula. But he was so persistent.

"Just one more week!", he would say.

So I would go another week. It took 3 1/2 weeks, a gazillion trips to see a lactation consultant, me losing my temper daily, and extreme patience from my husband, but my child now is almost solely breastfed. We do have formula on hand for times when we have no pumped and are going out or leaving him with someone, but in his regular day-to-day life, he only breastfeeds. Those first weeks felt like an eternity, and seemed pointless, but now looking back I realize my husband was right. Even though this still is so hard, it is totally worth it. Clark loves breastfeeding. If I would let him stay on there sucking even after he was done, he would. He doesn't like bottles in the slightest, even though that was what we used for the first 4 weeks. Anytime I try to bottle feed him, he pulls off after a little bit and buries his face in my chest, rooting. He has been known to latch on to a mouthful of shirt and look up at me puzzled. Then he cries a bit, and eventually settles into the bottle, with his eyebrows all puckered together, and refuses to look at me, as if saying, "If you won't breastfeed me, I won't pay any attention to you." Then as soon as I pull him off to burp him, right back into my chest his little head goes. Which makes it awkward when your in the middle of a mall, and you have formula latch marks all over your shirt. It draws the eye to a place I don't want it drawn.

Breastfeeding sure has it's drawbacks, though. I mean, I am always the one to feed the baby. It's not exactly like my husband can do it for me. The infections aren't fun either, that's for sure. And the waking up in the middle of the night, soaked, because your child decided to randomly sleep longer than he normally does, sucks too. That's when the formula thoughts start to worm their way back into my mind.

Imagine him always sleeping through the night(which he's done when he's gotten formula close to bedtime before). Imagine shirts fitting correctly again. Imagine making my husband get up in the middle of the night instead of me! Imagine no more infections! No more starving just an hour after eating, and feeling weird about getting more food when there are other people around("Where does it all go?" I can tell they are wondering.)

But yesterday reminded me of the good parts again. I was feeding Clark, and was only about 5 minutes into eating when he pulled off and just stared at me. So I lifted him up and burped him, thinking he had gas. No burps, so I tried putting him back on. He latched briefly and then pulled off, looking at me. He just stared at me, smiling once in a while, with the cutest little look on his face, and then re-latched himself about 5 minutes later. He ate a bit, and then did it again. He did that over and over for the whole feeding. My husband even came over to watch. He would just not stop staring at me. And you could tell that he was thinking, "That's my Mommy, and I love her." And that bond, and those cute moments with him, is what reminded me of why I will keep breastfeeding. That time, and that bond created with my son, makes it completely worth it to me. I am so glad that I get the privilege of doing it.

"Thanks for the food, Mommy!"