Vaccinations

I know it's a very debated topic with moms all over the world, in regards to whether or not you give your children vaccinations, and if so, which ones. I'm not trying to debate that in any way, believe me, but it was a choice that my husband and I made before we had our son.

But I have to say, there is nothing more heartbreaking then watching his face crumple as the first needle is injected. I feel like I could die, watching him go through that. And he doesn't scream-that is almost the worst part. He just breaks out in these heart-wrenching sobs. Honestly, I can't take it without my husband-I did it once, and it was so traumatizing, I told my husband no more, he from now on had to come to every visit. It's especially sad as well, because as my husband says, if he was older, we could buy him a treat for being so good. Which is true, by the way, the nurses always marvel at how he doesn't even scream-just has tears and sort of sobs. And even that is only for about 30 seconds, and then he's back to his regular self, albeit a little bit more needy and wanting to be held by his mom. But at this age, there really is no treat we could give him, which makes it even sadder.

I just keep telling myself it's worth it. I never want anything to happen to that baby, and if I can avoid him getting seriously ill, I'll do it. Though I am beginning to wish they had a different way of administering it-candy form? Inhale it somehow? Needles just aren't fun, no matter how old you are. I mean, my husband visibly cringes when he sees one, and when there was that whole H1N1 scare, I was asked to get one by my work, as I was both pregnant at the time, and worked at a medical clinic. So I also asked my husband to get one, and he absolutely refused, though he never seemed to have a reason...

The only consolation I have is that when he woke up this morning, Clark was his normal, happy, smiling self. Which helped me to breathe a sigh of relief. His having no memory of this is such a relief as well. Believe me, I'm not looking forward to his older shots-I can't even imagine how hard it must be when they are crying and saying "Mommy!!!".

For now, I think I'll just continue to smother him in guilt-ridden hugs and kisses.

Validation

Comparisons-we do it all the time. We do it with everything. It's part of our human nature-we feel the need to constantly judge what we have against what other people have.  I noticed it got worse as soon as I was a teenager-I compared how I looked and what I owned with all of my friends, secretly trying to beat them.

And then when I married my husband, I compared weddings(you see, in one year, 5 of my closest friends and I all got married within months of each other.) Every wedding was different, but I still think that mine was the best, the classiest of all the them, and the most intimate. I compared husbands, as I am so proud of mine. And then, once everyone had settled into married life, we all compared homes, and decorations. Simple stuff.

But my eyes were opened as soon as I had Clark. Every little thing he did I was desperate to know what babies did. And not even always in a competitive way, either. Most of the time, I just wanted to make sure my suffering equaled other moms suffering, and that my baby was on track. Now, none of those close friends had babies the same time as me, but several acquaintances did. And the babies are all about a month apart, though Clark ended up being the only boy, funnily enough.

Now, I love my baby so much. I think he is honestly one of the cutest babies ever. I also think he's quite smart, and fun, and developmentally on track. But to be honest, I'm not a crazy mom who thinks they should model their baby, or that their baby is a secret genius. Nor will I try to force him to learn how to walk at six months. He can go his own pace.

But this weekend was an eye-opener. We had a convention of sorts to attend all day Saturday and Sunday. As you can imagine, my husband and I were dreading it for weeks. Not the program, mind you, but the dealing with a baby without the comforts of home. We resigned ourselves to the fact that it would be complete disaster, but went through with it anyway. Were we ever wrong. Clark played on the ground during his playtime, sat on our laps when he was starting to fuss, barely had to be rocked to go to sleep, and then slept on the ground(we made a bed out of a bunch of soft blankets for him). He never once cried the whole weekend. He never even got grumpy. He was just the most perfect baby.

And as we sat there those two days, we watched the other moms we know, struggle in every way-their babies would only sleep if held, and would scream at their parents when it was playtime. The parents were stressed, exhausted and had murder in their eyes. And most of all, I'm pretty sure they only got about 2% of the entire program.

Then I actually talked to these moms, and found out that NONE of these babies were sleeping at night, that they were all terrible at napping and still had to be fed constantly. Few of them rolled, if at all, and showed no interest in playing, or seemed to care that new people were around. Meanwhile, Clark was in his element, laughing and smiling and trying to grab people's faces. He was even attempting to crawl around. I have never, ever felt so good about Clark. I immediately ran over to my husband and told him all about it. And then we spent the rest of the day praising our perfect little boy.

As my husband put it Sunday night, "I have never felt so validated as a parent. For once, I feel like we are succeeding, that we can call ourselves good parents." It's amazing how perspective can change everything. Here we were, thinking we had a pretty good baby, when in reality, we should be thankful everyday for how amazing he really is.

So my advice? Start talking to other moms(the ones who will actually tell you the truth, mind you!). You will feel so good after, and so proud of your baby. It definitely makes it easier to deal with the bad days too!

6 Months Old

My son turned 6 months old this week. I didn't really think much of it until the day it actually happened, and it just seemed so shocking to me. I have been a mother to someone for 6 months? And didn't manage to somehow screw it up really badly? It's amazing to think how far I've come in comparison to the beginning. I remember the times when I hadn't slept in what, at the time, felt like a year, endlessly attempting to feed him and change his ever-full diaper, and thinking, what have I gotten myself into? This is a total disaster. I'M a total disaster. I remember thinking how I don't know why I ever thought I could handle this, and I can't believe I put this tiny baby in my care. I remember calling the nursing line for new moms here(they give you medical advice and a sympathetic ear), and always getting the same nurse, Michelle. She would listen to my rants about some horrible disease he has("I saw a strange red dot! I swear!", "He doesn't blink enough!", and, "Sometimes I can't tell if he's breathing!"), and be incredibly kind to me, and would always finish our conversation by telling me I was doing a fantastic job, that my baby is perfect, and that I just had to wait until the 6 week mark.

And she was right. As if it was some sort of magic, after being 6 weeks old, it got better. He started actually sleeping. And eating properly. We could leave the house-imagine that-for more than 20 minutes. I started to feel slightly normal, and in control.

Then he turned 3 months. We were on a schedule! I knew when he would sleep, eat, and even poop. We had it down, and both of us were pretty happy with it. We had our bad days, but the good days definitely overwhelmed any bad ones. I no longer called my husband at work, sobbing into the phone, begging him to quit his job and come home and take care of both of us. I no longer rushed to check on Clark's breathing every 2 minutes. My house was most often semi-clean, and there was usually some clean laundry to be found around the house.

But the day that he turned 6 months old, I realized that I have this now. I actually know what I'm doing with Clark-more importantly, I know Clark. He is the sweetest thing, and he is such a happy baby. He has moments of crying(or the temper tantrum he had yesterday!), but all in all, I know my baby inside and out. And that is an amazing feeling. I never thought we would get this far, and being here is the best thing ever. I cannot wait for another 6 months of being with him. I love you so much, Clark.

I Hate Moms Who Lose Their Weight Instantly

I'm sure you know people like what I'm talking about. They have their baby-and BAM! Size 0 instantly. That is so not me. I literally HATE the way I look right now. I am way bigger then I was pre-pregnancy. I loved how I looked before I had the baby-I was curvy, but not too thin, fit into the size I wanted to, and looked good in most whatever I picked out for myself. I had tons of confidence about my looks, and had no qualms about stuff like being in a bathing suit in front of strangers.

Now, I cringe when I have to try clothes on. I know I still have a way to go before I am anywhere close to being what I was before. So last week, I finally got myself together and made it to the gym-I only went for half an hour, and was exhausted afterwards, but I finally started to feel good about myself. I know this is going to be a difficult road. Trying to eat healthy with a small baby? Often, impossible. Finding time to workout without feeling guilty about being away from my husband, my baby and my house responsibilities?  Unheard of. But I know I have to do this for myself. If I don't, it won't magically start getting better on it's own, it will more than likely just get worse.

So anyway, I talked it over with my husband, who is supportive either way-he is fine with me now, but he is also willing to help me out if I do want to work out, which I do. So when I expressed frustration with how busy our lives are-he recommended trying to have something that I could do at home, instead of having to go to the gym-at least until he feel less busy(a.k.a. when I don't need to breastfeed as much.) So I did some research online-different blogs and forums for new moms, and I found that quite a few people liked Jillian Michaels video, 30 Day Shred. Anyway, it's a 20 minute workout, that you are supposed to do everyday. Can I just say, I used to be really fit? But about a two and a half years before I got pregnant, I was very, very sick, and lost a tremendous amount of weight, and was barely able to eat-only taking in 400 calories a day. If you look at pictures of me, I looked semi-corpseish. It was not pretty, and very tolling on my body. At that time in life, I was working out regularly at least three times a week, for an hour and a half, at the gym. Then, because the weight was dropping off and there was nothing we could do about it, my doctors ordered me to cease all exercise, in a bid to conserve calories. It took them almost 9 months to figure out why I was sick, and then another 6 for me to get back to a normal weight/eating habits. So for more then a year, I didn't work out. Then I was getting engaged, planning a wedding, and being a newlywed. Who has time, or even wants to work out in all that? Then the pregnancy hit, and with that, a scare at 20 weeks. Where I was then told again, no exercise, which moved on to bed rest at the end because of preeclampsia.

So as you can see, it has been a while since I really exercised. But yet, somehow, in my deluded mind, I was still in good shape. Clearly not. That 20 minute video kicked my butt in the first 10 minutes. I had to turn it off, I thought I was going to either die, or wake my napping son up with my gasping for air. And then, I was so sore for two days after, I couldn't even do it. But last night, my amazing husband encouraged me to try again, so this time I made it 15 minutes in, and am determined to do it again today. I know I won't be instantly thin again, but I hope to at least be able to get through a 20 minute video! But mostly, I want my son to see a healthy role model in his mom, someone who can always keep up with him and my husband.

So we will see what the future brings, but I'm really hoping I stay with this-plus, I figured if I put it in writing, then there is really no way of getting out of it, right?

Sleep Training Update

We've been at this sleep training for a while now, and we have had a ton of success. I think in total it's about a week and a half that we have been doing it. So far he now sleeps every nap, going down with no crying at all. And, he now sleeps for at least 40-55 minutes a nap. Some naps he is still waking up tired, which shows he should be sleeping slightly longer, but we are going to work on that. The other awesome thing is that with him now sleeping longer and better, as it is in his crib, he ends up taking fewer naps every day now. He used to be having anywhere from 6-9 catnaps a day, and now he's down to 4, 5 maybe if he has too short of a nap for one of them.

So anyway, we are quite optimistic about it, and are hoping to eventually have him sleeping even longer per nap(ideally an hour to an hour and a half), with less naps, maybe only three if we can. The results are just so phenomenal, I honestly can't believe how far he has come compared to how he was two weeks ago. It's also amazing the amount of stuff we can get done now while he naps, and how I'm not embarrassed when people either come over or we go out, and I can't put him down for a nap or he would scream. I am so proud of him. The best part of all is how happy he is when he wakes up. He always is smiling when I walk in his room and starts moving his arms and legs like mad when he sees me.

I'll update again to see if we continue to progress to our ideal(fingers crossed!).

Sleep Training

You may remember my post about Nap Time Horrors a while back. My son is not a good napper-he's never been. My husband and I worked on it very hard for several weeks, attachment parenting style(mixed with our own style), and all in all, it was not a success. I mean, he would go into his crib 1 out of every 3 times, but even then, he would never sleep longer than 25-30 minutes, which would mean he would get up, still very tired, and also now in a bad mood.

I then spent the better part of 3 weeks researching different techniques and reading what other moms had to say about them, and decided to read the giant, cumbersome, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. It took a long time to read, though I only read the first couple of chapters and then the chapters that dealt with his specific problem, and age range. So finally, on Thursday last week, I was finished, and my husband and I chatted about using the principles in the book. We agreed with most things, but adjusted them according to our son's schedule and what we felt would be best for him.

Let me just say, sleep training is no joke. Yet, it is so much easier following another person's step by step instructions. When we were on our own, it was so easy to flake on what we had decided, or try to change it, but when it's right in front of you, in black and white letters, it's kind of hard to pretend it says something else. Believe me, I tried. I just hate when he gets upset at nap time, but my husband pulled out the book and pointed out the paragraph to me, and once we stuck with it, the results have been phenomenal.

We still have a long way to go, but I will describe for you what my son was before, and what he is now, not even a week into training.

Before:

1. Clark did not sleep in his crib, playpen, or anywhere else besides someone's arms, sometimes only mine.
2. The max he would sleep when being held was 20-30 minutes.
3. If an attempt was made to put him in his crib, immediately screaming freak-out would commence.
4. He was always exhausted when he would wake up and be cranky and tired almost immediately again.
5. We would have to rock him for 30-45 minutes to get him asleep, and once asleep, if we dared to move out of the rocking chair, he would instantly wake up.

Now:

1. He sleeps in his crib for every naptime, and at other people's houses will go into a playpen. He never sleeps in anyone's arms unless we are somewhere where there is no available crib.
2. He will sleep anywhere from between 30 minutes - 1.25 hours.
3. He goes to his crib with no crying, falling asleep again as soon as he touches the mattress.
4. Most naps he wakes up in a great mood, and stays up for longer between the naps.
5. He has a wind down routine of quiet playing for 10-15 minutes, and once in the rocking chair, it takes approximately 3 minutes of rocking and he is out like a light-for good.

Now, mind you, I haven't included the fact that he has on naps and off naps. For example, take yesterday. His first two naps were a dream-no crying at any time. Third nap was good, with him sleeping 20 minutes, then waking up to kind of mumble a bit and then fall asleep again for another 50 minutes. Amazing. I thought for sure we were in the clear. Then today happened. I'm not sure if he stiffened his resolve overnight, or if he just was mad at me, but his first nap, I very nicely rocked him to sleep, to have him wake up five minutes later in his crib, and scream. For an entire hour. So I went, sobbing my eyes out, and got him from his crib, which he then proceeded to smile and LAUGH as I picked him up. Now the problem is that, of course he is the cutest thing ever when he does that. Yet, it seemed totally evil of him! It was like he was saying to me, "Haha, got you. You think I'm going to nap? Challenge accepted!"(As Barney from How I Met Your Mother would say.) And he proceeded to do the exact same thing for his next two naps. Which also meant he had wayyy to many naps today, as he WASN'T SLEEPING.

Then the real kicker. My husband and I have a weekly outing we do with Clark, which we have to leave at 7:00 pm for. We put him down for his nap at 6:10, hoping all will be well. He proceeded to scream right up until 6:59 on the dot, and then fall asleep. So my husband, as he couldn't get out of it, had to go, and here I am, typing you this blog entry.

Raising a child is hard work. Having a baby sometimes seems impossible. I often think of people I know, like my husband's mother, who had 6 children, and think, how is she not in a mental institution? But as I told my husband this afternoon, in a bout of frustration, tears, and a slight panic attack, sleep training is the worst so far. You feel as though you are progressing so much, and then, WHAM-you seem further behind then where you started. But I've made the resolve to get through three weeks. If he's just as bad three weeks from now, I will fly the white flag, and try something else. As I also told my husband today, the problem is the fact that both my husband and I can be extremely stubborn people, to a fault, almost. And he obviously inherited this quality from both of us, making him even more stubborn, if that's possible. The worst part is that I wish he would understand that I am doing this for him. I want him to sleep well, and to be happy all day, and enjoy playtime. I want to have more playtime with him, instead of having to rush around getting stuff done, because I have no other time to do it. It's amazing how much I love him, so much my heart breaks when he cries like this, so much that I feel guilty and horrible, and feel physical pain. Yet, I am trying to get through, because I know we will both be better after this. Hopefully this "after" part comes soon, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'll update you again in a couple of days, hopefully with positive news.

You think I'm going to sleep? We'll see about that...