I've been terrible at keeping up with this...

Mostly I've been procrastinating doing this, because I feel bad for having waited so long. But I finally have some spare time!

It's funny-when Clark was small, and I held him all the time/had to be quiet when he was napping, I felt so bored, and was so eager to get to my blog. Then the magical sleep schedule worked, and he started becoming independent with his crawling, and my life just got way easier.

I have to say, I honestly think I have the best baby in the world. In general, he makes my life pretty easy. He lets me get my chores done, doesn't demand attention 24/7, goes down for naps easily, and is almost always in a super happy mood. He is just the best baby. I constantly feel so lucky to have the family that I do-I just love them more than anything.

But lately, my mind has been drifting to the impending end to my maternity leave. It's funny how a year seems like an eternity when your baby is 4 weeks old and screams 23 out of 24 hours, and sleeps 0 out of 24 hours. I remember, in a sleep-deprived state bargaining with my husband to take the maternity leave and let me go back to work. I remember sulking when he refused, and telling him that I hated being at home. I love it now. I absolutely love being with Clark. It doesn't even feel like a job anymore-it's so nice. We have our little routines, our little schedule, and we both enjoy it immensely. And my absolute favourite part of the day is when my husband comes home, and my son just lights up with absolute excitement and joy. He starts cackling and smiling and races over to grab my husband's leg, and yanks on his pants until he gets picked up for a kiss and a cuddle.

But now I have to start getting used to the idea of going back to work-and I am not happy about it. I know it's a bit pre-mature-I technically have about 3 months left, but I am starting to feel like time is slipping away from me. It's stupid too, as I am only going back for one day and one night shift-but even that fills me with horrible dread and almost like a mini panic attack. My husband wanted so badly for me to not have to go back to work at all, and we sliced our budget brutally to do it, but after several months of trying that, we realized not only would it not work, but the stress on our relationship would not be good either, so this ended up being our compromise.

It's so funny to think of how far we've come in 9 months, but I am totally, and completely addicted to my baby. I love being around him, and taking him with us places. I honestly don't know how I'm going to go back to work, even for that one day. I just get so upset thinking about it, that I'm trying not to right now, to stop those panic attacks. You always here about the bond between a mother and her child, but I never in a million years would have ever thought that it would be so strong.  I can totally see now how those mothers whose babies are in danger can lift a car, or whatever. If squeezing carbon into a diamond would mean I wouldn't have to go to work and be away from him, I swear I could actually do it. :)

Changes

So my little boy is 7 months old now. Sometimes it's just crazy how things change.

For instance-my husband's brother recently had a baby, and I got to see him right after they left the hospital. And he seemed so TINY. I couldn't believe that only 6ish months ago, we had a baby just as small! I was even nervous to hold him, and when I did, I was shocked at how light he felt. In fact, it made me a little sad, almost. My little baby is starting to turn into a little boy. He was fascinated by the new baby, trying to reach to grab him. And when the two dads held them up side-by-side for a picture, Clark just looked massive in comparison. He also looked so alert and aware, in comparison to this tiny baby who always has his eyes closed.

In fact, I find every day I notice something else about Clark that makes him look more boyish and less babyish-don't get me wrong, he still looks very much like a baby, but you can definitely start to see how he will soon be a boy.

For instance, his hair has been getting longer for some time now, so that from the back, he looks like a boy-it's long enough to fall almost like a hairstyle. And, added to that, he talks all the time in his tiny little voice, and laughs now like a boy-more of a haha sound. And he loves when you do funny things on purpose. He gets so excited, and if you keep doing it over and over again, he will actually laugh before you can do the funny thing because he is way to excited for it.

But most of all, he is now crawling. And he is getting pretty good at it too. He can be speedy when he wants to-which means he is now constantly getting into anything he can that is potentially dangerous-his favorite currently being electrical cords-doesn't matter what colour or what they are for, he wants to chew on them. He also loves sucking on wooden things, which just does not seem healthy to me.

And today, he discovered himself in our floor length mirror. He was so excited to see this new baby friend of his! He played with his reflection for almost half an hour, which reinforced to me the need to get him a baby friend, and soon. It would be so cute to see him crawling around with another baby. So hopefully we can get some sort of playdate together soon for him.

I find this stage hard-he is changing, and every change is wonderful to watch. It makes me so happy and so proud of him to watch him learn and discover and develop. It also makes me proud of us as parents as well-that we created this amazing baby, brought him into this world, and are helping him to learn all of this. But it is sad in another way-and I am starting to realize what people mean when they say that it goes by fast. Because I have to say, I feel as though the past 7 months of my life have just flown by. There's been good and bad-but the good has completely outweighed the bad. He amazes me every day, not just in what he is capable of, but in how much I love him. Though I know he won't stay a baby forever, I am treasuring the time I have with him as a baby, and I know I will look back when he's grown, and wish it could have lasted longer. But for now, I am too busy chasing him around!

Diet and Exercise

So I posted a little while ago about my goal to try to lose more of the baby weight by working out. And to be honest, I've been doing ok-I seem to have spurts where I do it several days, and then don't. But we've just been crazy busy lately, it seems. My husband took on a bigger position, and is working more at the beginning to learn it-added to that, he has a side business of programming, that he has two projects that are coming up to be due. So he is definitely what you would consider to be a busy guy, which leaves me with Clark, and I obviously can't tell him to drop his work so I can make it to the gym. But anyway, I'm trying to do what I can. I'm hoping to get back on schedule soon.

But I also started a diet. Now, Clark has been starting to try to wean himself off of breastfeeding for a month and a bit now, which is extremely frustrating. He will just randomly refuse to breastfeed-cue kicking, screaming and clawing at my eyes like a tiny feral animal. So as it is right now, he is only getting 2 good breastfeeds a day(morning and night), and if I'm lucky, a kind of crappy one in between. So I discussed it with my husband, and since I want to try to lose weight, we talked about dieting without hindering my milk supply any more.

I settled with counting calories. I really wanted to join a place like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig, but both can cost quite a bit of money, and they have a weekly meeting to go to-which, I mean, really-I don't even have time to go to the gym, nevermind a weight loss meeting. Plus, I figured this-if it works, will have good long-term effects. It will teach me to watch portion sizes and what I put in my mouth. So I downloaded a calorie counting app on my phone, and so far, I've really been enjoying it. It is amazing how you stop and think before you stick something in your mouth if you are going to have to write it down. I've also found that watching how many calories I have left per day makes me aware closer to bedtime(i.e. I don't tend to have snacks after dinner now, unless I saved some calories up.) Anyway, there are drawbacks. I have definitely felt hungry-not starving or anything, multiple times. It's also easy to try to rationalize NOT entering something you just ate-especially when you have very few calories left. But, we are trying to plug through. The only thing that is trouble is that it doesn't take into consideration the fact that I am breastfeeding when it comes to my calories, so I tend to go 100-200 calories over to make up for the food he eats, though if he continues to drop feedings, I will probably drop those calories as well.

I'm really hoping for the best with doing this. I lectured my husband for hours on how he has to support me, but not encourage or tempt me with things that I shouldn't be eating. He hasn't been the best so far-the problem being, he hates the idea of me being not completely stuffed at all times, and constantly tries to shove food in my face. He's very sweet about it, and constantly tells me that he loves how I look, but as I tell him, I'm not really doing this for him-I'm doing this for me. And for Clark. I want to be a good example for him, and I want to be healthy so I can keep up with him.

Let's hope this sticks, because I had the horrifying realization the other day that Clark is now 6.5 months old. It's funny how you think your baby is so young, and so you have an excuse not to worry about weight and food-which is true, to a certain extent. But then, BAM! It hits you-if I haven't lost ANY weight in 6.5 months, how much longer will it take to lose it? And that's what I keep reminding myself of. It's not going to happen magically, and I need to work hard at it. So I'm really, really, trying to keep myself motivated, and keep going with this. Hopefully I'll have a positive update in the near future!

Vaccinations

I know it's a very debated topic with moms all over the world, in regards to whether or not you give your children vaccinations, and if so, which ones. I'm not trying to debate that in any way, believe me, but it was a choice that my husband and I made before we had our son.

But I have to say, there is nothing more heartbreaking then watching his face crumple as the first needle is injected. I feel like I could die, watching him go through that. And he doesn't scream-that is almost the worst part. He just breaks out in these heart-wrenching sobs. Honestly, I can't take it without my husband-I did it once, and it was so traumatizing, I told my husband no more, he from now on had to come to every visit. It's especially sad as well, because as my husband says, if he was older, we could buy him a treat for being so good. Which is true, by the way, the nurses always marvel at how he doesn't even scream-just has tears and sort of sobs. And even that is only for about 30 seconds, and then he's back to his regular self, albeit a little bit more needy and wanting to be held by his mom. But at this age, there really is no treat we could give him, which makes it even sadder.

I just keep telling myself it's worth it. I never want anything to happen to that baby, and if I can avoid him getting seriously ill, I'll do it. Though I am beginning to wish they had a different way of administering it-candy form? Inhale it somehow? Needles just aren't fun, no matter how old you are. I mean, my husband visibly cringes when he sees one, and when there was that whole H1N1 scare, I was asked to get one by my work, as I was both pregnant at the time, and worked at a medical clinic. So I also asked my husband to get one, and he absolutely refused, though he never seemed to have a reason...

The only consolation I have is that when he woke up this morning, Clark was his normal, happy, smiling self. Which helped me to breathe a sigh of relief. His having no memory of this is such a relief as well. Believe me, I'm not looking forward to his older shots-I can't even imagine how hard it must be when they are crying and saying "Mommy!!!".

For now, I think I'll just continue to smother him in guilt-ridden hugs and kisses.

Validation

Comparisons-we do it all the time. We do it with everything. It's part of our human nature-we feel the need to constantly judge what we have against what other people have.  I noticed it got worse as soon as I was a teenager-I compared how I looked and what I owned with all of my friends, secretly trying to beat them.

And then when I married my husband, I compared weddings(you see, in one year, 5 of my closest friends and I all got married within months of each other.) Every wedding was different, but I still think that mine was the best, the classiest of all the them, and the most intimate. I compared husbands, as I am so proud of mine. And then, once everyone had settled into married life, we all compared homes, and decorations. Simple stuff.

But my eyes were opened as soon as I had Clark. Every little thing he did I was desperate to know what babies did. And not even always in a competitive way, either. Most of the time, I just wanted to make sure my suffering equaled other moms suffering, and that my baby was on track. Now, none of those close friends had babies the same time as me, but several acquaintances did. And the babies are all about a month apart, though Clark ended up being the only boy, funnily enough.

Now, I love my baby so much. I think he is honestly one of the cutest babies ever. I also think he's quite smart, and fun, and developmentally on track. But to be honest, I'm not a crazy mom who thinks they should model their baby, or that their baby is a secret genius. Nor will I try to force him to learn how to walk at six months. He can go his own pace.

But this weekend was an eye-opener. We had a convention of sorts to attend all day Saturday and Sunday. As you can imagine, my husband and I were dreading it for weeks. Not the program, mind you, but the dealing with a baby without the comforts of home. We resigned ourselves to the fact that it would be complete disaster, but went through with it anyway. Were we ever wrong. Clark played on the ground during his playtime, sat on our laps when he was starting to fuss, barely had to be rocked to go to sleep, and then slept on the ground(we made a bed out of a bunch of soft blankets for him). He never once cried the whole weekend. He never even got grumpy. He was just the most perfect baby.

And as we sat there those two days, we watched the other moms we know, struggle in every way-their babies would only sleep if held, and would scream at their parents when it was playtime. The parents were stressed, exhausted and had murder in their eyes. And most of all, I'm pretty sure they only got about 2% of the entire program.

Then I actually talked to these moms, and found out that NONE of these babies were sleeping at night, that they were all terrible at napping and still had to be fed constantly. Few of them rolled, if at all, and showed no interest in playing, or seemed to care that new people were around. Meanwhile, Clark was in his element, laughing and smiling and trying to grab people's faces. He was even attempting to crawl around. I have never, ever felt so good about Clark. I immediately ran over to my husband and told him all about it. And then we spent the rest of the day praising our perfect little boy.

As my husband put it Sunday night, "I have never felt so validated as a parent. For once, I feel like we are succeeding, that we can call ourselves good parents." It's amazing how perspective can change everything. Here we were, thinking we had a pretty good baby, when in reality, we should be thankful everyday for how amazing he really is.

So my advice? Start talking to other moms(the ones who will actually tell you the truth, mind you!). You will feel so good after, and so proud of your baby. It definitely makes it easier to deal with the bad days too!

6 Months Old

My son turned 6 months old this week. I didn't really think much of it until the day it actually happened, and it just seemed so shocking to me. I have been a mother to someone for 6 months? And didn't manage to somehow screw it up really badly? It's amazing to think how far I've come in comparison to the beginning. I remember the times when I hadn't slept in what, at the time, felt like a year, endlessly attempting to feed him and change his ever-full diaper, and thinking, what have I gotten myself into? This is a total disaster. I'M a total disaster. I remember thinking how I don't know why I ever thought I could handle this, and I can't believe I put this tiny baby in my care. I remember calling the nursing line for new moms here(they give you medical advice and a sympathetic ear), and always getting the same nurse, Michelle. She would listen to my rants about some horrible disease he has("I saw a strange red dot! I swear!", "He doesn't blink enough!", and, "Sometimes I can't tell if he's breathing!"), and be incredibly kind to me, and would always finish our conversation by telling me I was doing a fantastic job, that my baby is perfect, and that I just had to wait until the 6 week mark.

And she was right. As if it was some sort of magic, after being 6 weeks old, it got better. He started actually sleeping. And eating properly. We could leave the house-imagine that-for more than 20 minutes. I started to feel slightly normal, and in control.

Then he turned 3 months. We were on a schedule! I knew when he would sleep, eat, and even poop. We had it down, and both of us were pretty happy with it. We had our bad days, but the good days definitely overwhelmed any bad ones. I no longer called my husband at work, sobbing into the phone, begging him to quit his job and come home and take care of both of us. I no longer rushed to check on Clark's breathing every 2 minutes. My house was most often semi-clean, and there was usually some clean laundry to be found around the house.

But the day that he turned 6 months old, I realized that I have this now. I actually know what I'm doing with Clark-more importantly, I know Clark. He is the sweetest thing, and he is such a happy baby. He has moments of crying(or the temper tantrum he had yesterday!), but all in all, I know my baby inside and out. And that is an amazing feeling. I never thought we would get this far, and being here is the best thing ever. I cannot wait for another 6 months of being with him. I love you so much, Clark.

I Hate Moms Who Lose Their Weight Instantly

I'm sure you know people like what I'm talking about. They have their baby-and BAM! Size 0 instantly. That is so not me. I literally HATE the way I look right now. I am way bigger then I was pre-pregnancy. I loved how I looked before I had the baby-I was curvy, but not too thin, fit into the size I wanted to, and looked good in most whatever I picked out for myself. I had tons of confidence about my looks, and had no qualms about stuff like being in a bathing suit in front of strangers.

Now, I cringe when I have to try clothes on. I know I still have a way to go before I am anywhere close to being what I was before. So last week, I finally got myself together and made it to the gym-I only went for half an hour, and was exhausted afterwards, but I finally started to feel good about myself. I know this is going to be a difficult road. Trying to eat healthy with a small baby? Often, impossible. Finding time to workout without feeling guilty about being away from my husband, my baby and my house responsibilities?  Unheard of. But I know I have to do this for myself. If I don't, it won't magically start getting better on it's own, it will more than likely just get worse.

So anyway, I talked it over with my husband, who is supportive either way-he is fine with me now, but he is also willing to help me out if I do want to work out, which I do. So when I expressed frustration with how busy our lives are-he recommended trying to have something that I could do at home, instead of having to go to the gym-at least until he feel less busy(a.k.a. when I don't need to breastfeed as much.) So I did some research online-different blogs and forums for new moms, and I found that quite a few people liked Jillian Michaels video, 30 Day Shred. Anyway, it's a 20 minute workout, that you are supposed to do everyday. Can I just say, I used to be really fit? But about a two and a half years before I got pregnant, I was very, very sick, and lost a tremendous amount of weight, and was barely able to eat-only taking in 400 calories a day. If you look at pictures of me, I looked semi-corpseish. It was not pretty, and very tolling on my body. At that time in life, I was working out regularly at least three times a week, for an hour and a half, at the gym. Then, because the weight was dropping off and there was nothing we could do about it, my doctors ordered me to cease all exercise, in a bid to conserve calories. It took them almost 9 months to figure out why I was sick, and then another 6 for me to get back to a normal weight/eating habits. So for more then a year, I didn't work out. Then I was getting engaged, planning a wedding, and being a newlywed. Who has time, or even wants to work out in all that? Then the pregnancy hit, and with that, a scare at 20 weeks. Where I was then told again, no exercise, which moved on to bed rest at the end because of preeclampsia.

So as you can see, it has been a while since I really exercised. But yet, somehow, in my deluded mind, I was still in good shape. Clearly not. That 20 minute video kicked my butt in the first 10 minutes. I had to turn it off, I thought I was going to either die, or wake my napping son up with my gasping for air. And then, I was so sore for two days after, I couldn't even do it. But last night, my amazing husband encouraged me to try again, so this time I made it 15 minutes in, and am determined to do it again today. I know I won't be instantly thin again, but I hope to at least be able to get through a 20 minute video! But mostly, I want my son to see a healthy role model in his mom, someone who can always keep up with him and my husband.

So we will see what the future brings, but I'm really hoping I stay with this-plus, I figured if I put it in writing, then there is really no way of getting out of it, right?