Mostly I've been procrastinating doing this, because I feel bad for having waited so long. But I finally have some spare time!
It's funny-when Clark was small, and I held him all the time/had to be quiet when he was napping, I felt so bored, and was so eager to get to my blog. Then the magical sleep schedule worked, and he started becoming independent with his crawling, and my life just got way easier.
I have to say, I honestly think I have the best baby in the world. In general, he makes my life pretty easy. He lets me get my chores done, doesn't demand attention 24/7, goes down for naps easily, and is almost always in a super happy mood. He is just the best baby. I constantly feel so lucky to have the family that I do-I just love them more than anything.
But lately, my mind has been drifting to the impending end to my maternity leave. It's funny how a year seems like an eternity when your baby is 4 weeks old and screams 23 out of 24 hours, and sleeps 0 out of 24 hours. I remember, in a sleep-deprived state bargaining with my husband to take the maternity leave and let me go back to work. I remember sulking when he refused, and telling him that I hated being at home. I love it now. I absolutely love being with Clark. It doesn't even feel like a job anymore-it's so nice. We have our little routines, our little schedule, and we both enjoy it immensely. And my absolute favourite part of the day is when my husband comes home, and my son just lights up with absolute excitement and joy. He starts cackling and smiling and races over to grab my husband's leg, and yanks on his pants until he gets picked up for a kiss and a cuddle.
But now I have to start getting used to the idea of going back to work-and I am not happy about it. I know it's a bit pre-mature-I technically have about 3 months left, but I am starting to feel like time is slipping away from me. It's stupid too, as I am only going back for one day and one night shift-but even that fills me with horrible dread and almost like a mini panic attack. My husband wanted so badly for me to not have to go back to work at all, and we sliced our budget brutally to do it, but after several months of trying that, we realized not only would it not work, but the stress on our relationship would not be good either, so this ended up being our compromise.
It's so funny to think of how far we've come in 9 months, but I am totally, and completely addicted to my baby. I love being around him, and taking him with us places. I honestly don't know how I'm going to go back to work, even for that one day. I just get so upset thinking about it, that I'm trying not to right now, to stop those panic attacks. You always here about the bond between a mother and her child, but I never in a million years would have ever thought that it would be so strong. I can totally see now how those mothers whose babies are in danger can lift a car, or whatever. If squeezing carbon into a diamond would mean I wouldn't have to go to work and be away from him, I swear I could actually do it. :)
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