6 Months Old

My son turned 6 months old this week. I didn't really think much of it until the day it actually happened, and it just seemed so shocking to me. I have been a mother to someone for 6 months? And didn't manage to somehow screw it up really badly? It's amazing to think how far I've come in comparison to the beginning. I remember the times when I hadn't slept in what, at the time, felt like a year, endlessly attempting to feed him and change his ever-full diaper, and thinking, what have I gotten myself into? This is a total disaster. I'M a total disaster. I remember thinking how I don't know why I ever thought I could handle this, and I can't believe I put this tiny baby in my care. I remember calling the nursing line for new moms here(they give you medical advice and a sympathetic ear), and always getting the same nurse, Michelle. She would listen to my rants about some horrible disease he has("I saw a strange red dot! I swear!", "He doesn't blink enough!", and, "Sometimes I can't tell if he's breathing!"), and be incredibly kind to me, and would always finish our conversation by telling me I was doing a fantastic job, that my baby is perfect, and that I just had to wait until the 6 week mark.

And she was right. As if it was some sort of magic, after being 6 weeks old, it got better. He started actually sleeping. And eating properly. We could leave the house-imagine that-for more than 20 minutes. I started to feel slightly normal, and in control.

Then he turned 3 months. We were on a schedule! I knew when he would sleep, eat, and even poop. We had it down, and both of us were pretty happy with it. We had our bad days, but the good days definitely overwhelmed any bad ones. I no longer called my husband at work, sobbing into the phone, begging him to quit his job and come home and take care of both of us. I no longer rushed to check on Clark's breathing every 2 minutes. My house was most often semi-clean, and there was usually some clean laundry to be found around the house.

But the day that he turned 6 months old, I realized that I have this now. I actually know what I'm doing with Clark-more importantly, I know Clark. He is the sweetest thing, and he is such a happy baby. He has moments of crying(or the temper tantrum he had yesterday!), but all in all, I know my baby inside and out. And that is an amazing feeling. I never thought we would get this far, and being here is the best thing ever. I cannot wait for another 6 months of being with him. I love you so much, Clark.